Rape and Revictimization

I’m struggling. I’m questioning the degree of consciousness that I so often hear claimed. I’m questioning commitments to sexual healing, safer sex. I’m struggling because I believe that what needs to be healed must first be brought to the light. I’m struggling because I see darkness shrouding the secrets of rape, and yet the darkness is not our enemy – refusal to peer into it is. And I’m wondering how many elephants can fit into one living room.

Rape is deplorable and unconscionable. And so is victimizing the victim. I shudder when I hear a news report of a woman being stoned because she was raped. Those things only happen in other countries, far away, in places that are less civilized than ours.

The dark truth is – We stone in this country too. We do it in ways that we judge are civilized and just. We do it covertly, sometimes under the guise of support – helping the victim to see (our) reason. And we do it so that no feathers get ruffled, we do it to minimize the sensationalism, we do it to minimize community division and maintain loyalties, we do it to protect reputations. And sometimes we even label our actions “for the greater good” though the motive, whether conscious or unconscious, may be self-protection or self-promotion. For the rape victim, these are all experienced as stones, every one.

The focus must always be on the victim. No one else’s agenda should enter the picture. For a victim of rape, the road to recovery is uphill and arduous and can be greatly affected by the words and actions of others.

A prime aspect of rape is that control was taken away, control over body and life. Support includes allowing a victim to regain control of their life – in their time frame, their agenda, for their good, no one else’s.

“It is essential that [the victim] know they are believed, and that they be allowed to begin to rebuild their life at their own pace. The dominant feature of sexual abuse is that it is forced on a person against their will, and it is an act of violence and violation regardless of how much visible “violence” is used; it takes away a person’s control, and so it is vital that someone who has been through this be in control of their journey to recovery. People who have been raped need to rebuilt feelings of safety, trust, control and self-worth…” (excerpted from HealthyPlace.com)

If there is a rape victim in your midst, please consider this:

1) Just listen, don’t judge, don’t try to fix. Be present with an open heart, give empathy if you are able.

2) Don’t criticize the victim’s behavior – Why didn’t you fight? Why were you there anyway? You should have known. You gave mixed signals. Why didn’t you say something after it happened? And, one of the most harmful comments, “You are promiscuous anyway.”

Rape victims are never responsible for the rape, no matter what, regardless of circumstances, and even arousal does not constitute consent.

3) Don’t excuse the actions of the rapist. Healing is needed here too, in a safe setting, with professionalism, and excusing the behavior only impedes the healing process.

4) Victims should never be pressured into in-person meetings with their perpetrator, for any reason. Apart from the potential for re­traumatization, the victim may experience another instance of violating their right to have control over their life and make their own decisions.

5) Clearly, rape and its effects should never be minimized, no matter the circumstances. During the recovery process, denial, shame, numbness, and humiliation are common and may cloak the degree of pain and the cloud the extent of the harm.