Communicating is Not Optional How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk

The #1 problem in relationships is "Undelivered Communications!" Withholding important conversation from your partner nearly always proves to be the destructive force behind the, "My partner will not listen to me!" or "My partner will not talk to me" complaint.

Instead of complaining, deliver the communication - in a loving way - to your partner.

We withhold for many reasons. The main reason seems to be that when we do get up the courage to say what needs to be said - something our partner would rather not hear - our partner gets into the conversation and begins to deny or justify their position or shift the blame to the other partner without accepting any responsibility for their share of the problem.

"Let the disagreement begin!" Usually the decibel level goes off the meter and the argument escalates! The result would be different if both partners would only listen when their partner speaks.

Communicating is not optional. It is an absolute necessity for the success of the relationship. Not communicating with your relationship partner - or not allowing them access to your thoughts and feelings - can exact a heavy price. A communications gap doesn't only undermine the potential of the relationship; it can, and usually will eventually destroy the relationship.

The sound of silence in a relationship is deafening. The silent treatment sends many messages - "I'm not interested," "I have nothing of value to say," "Whenever I say something you argue with me," "I give up. . . what's the use?" and more.

What stops you from communicating is not making a decision to do so. "Take all the time you need to decide, but the ice cream is melting!"

When your partner decides to communicate with you, he/she does so to fulfill a need.

Everyone manages emotion, communication and conflict from habit - patterns and styles developed early in life. In this context the past greatly affects your present relationship. To have a happy and successful relationship, you need to take control of how you interact with your partner.

It is my opinion that some of the greatest needs of human beings - after physical survival - is to be understood, affirmed, validated, forgiven and appreciated. The best way to get your needs met is to communicate those needs.

Never assume that your partner knows how you feel. People tend to rely heavily on assumptions to communicate. The problem with that is that you can't be sure if someone's assumptions are the same as yours, unless you communicate. Your partner cannot read your mind. Hints don't work.

Your methods of communication are more important than the messages themselves. Your tone of voice is also more important than what you say.

There is no such thing as a relationship without conflict! Some conflicts are small. Others are colossal and difficult to manage. How you resolve the conflict, not how many occur, is the critical factor in determining whether a relationship will be healthy or unhealthy, mutually satisfying or unsatisfying, friendly or unfriendly, deep or shallow, intimate or cold.

In the midst of a disagreement, we often have ears that listen with prejudiced views. Learn how to speak so your love partner will hear what you are really saying.

You get a higher return on your relationship investment by communicating openly and honestly. Reach an agreement to talk about anything and everything, all the time. It's a promise that may be difficult to keep, however the fact that the promise is in place makes your commitment to it much easier to keep.

When you shut down and your partner feels the need to call your attention to this promise, you are more likely to get back on track and less likely to be upset by it because of your initial agreement.

It takes courage to talk about something you know your partner would rather not discuss especially if you know that in the past it has nearly always sparked an argument that ended with no resolution and hurt feelings.

When coaching couples about how to better communicate, I recommend the following process. Here's how it works:

Step #1. The first night - It's your time to talk and your partner's time to only listen.

Step #2. The next night - Your partner talks and you only listen.

Step #3. The third time you get together is two or three days later - Have a mutual, low decibel level, interactive conversation (two-way communication) intended to reach some mutually agreeable solutions.

IMPORTANT: This 3rd step includes the promise to make some personal changes in the way you are being in the relationship. This part of the process is about negotiating a win-win situation.

This protocol helps you to avoid the pitfalls - hostility, defensiveness, contempt, retaliation, and withdrawal - so typical of many disagreements. Only one person at a time "has the floor" each night in steps 1 and 2.

The intention of this process is twofold:

1. To help you learn to better communicate what needs to be said.

2. To help you be a committed listener when you partner needs to communicate with you.

If you want the emotional healing that can come from voluntary disclosure to your partner, you must probe your feelings and emotions with renewed passion. Be aware that past traumas and the memory demons that accompany them are real and they contain trapped energy that must be reclaimed for you to feel happy and powerful.

It takes a lot of energy to remain confused. If you feel stuck, perhaps it's time to get clear about confusion. As long as you remain confused, you will not have to commit to and/or take responsibility for a plan of action such as communicating with your partner or promising to make some positive changes.

Trapped energy causes you to cling to misconceptions about your relationship. This process will help you convert painful emotional energy into powerful energy you can use to move your relationship forward. Once the precious energy that was trapped as a painful experience becomes free, it can then be expressed as forgiveness, goodness, beauty and love.

Attitude is everything. Begin with the right frame of mind. You must approach this process as two equal partners working together to solve a problem.

Flip a coin to see who goes first. If possible, choose a time when things seem to be going rather smoothly, no lingering disagreements in the air, no anger. IMPORTANT: Arrange to meet in a quiet place where there will be no interruptions.

Be very clear about the "just listen" part of this process. One night "she" talks and "he" only listens and the next night "he" talks and "she" only listens. Bring some notes to keep you from getting lost, forgetting your point or the intention of the process.

What issues are relevant to your relationship - really relevant? Speak the relevant truth. What is important to your relationship right now? The answer to these questions will assist you in only speaking about what affects your relationship currently. To bring up irrelevant past issues is inconsistent with this process.

It's time to openly and honestly communicate by telling the truth about what has been missing in your relationship that has brought you to this point in time. Choosing wisely what you say and how you say it gives you great power.

Before you begin, ask yourself this question: "Do you want to be right or happy?" Privately address each issue with the question, "Will this be important to me tomorrow, next week, next month?" "Is it all that important in the whole scheme of things?" Once you have answered these questions honestly, you will then know what issues are truly important and the order of their importance.

Step #1 - When it's your turn to talk:

Begin by telling your partner how much you love them. Be sincere.

Let them know how you are feeling about being in a relationship with them. Make your comments germane to the issues you present. Be specific, not general about how you feel. This is your opportunity to really be heard, don't leave anything out.

Choose your words carefully and say them in a loving way. It's okay to come with notes so you won't forget anything. You may even want to rehearse a bit by first writing down how you really feel, then edit your notes to be sure you don't use this opportunity to attack your partner, but only express how you feel.

Clarify your feelings. Don't be accusatory about your upset. Begin by presenting the issues that have caused the most difficulty like this:

"When you (fill in the blank), I feel (fill in the blank)."

This is important. By saying it this way, you avoid blaming your partner for anything; you shift the emphasis to your feelings. There is a big difference. Your comments are not about them or what is wrong with them, but about how you are feeling. Owning your feelings is more truthful and always less hurtful to your partner. This helps open the door to clearer and more productive communications with your partner.

When using "I" messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. It also may prevent your partner from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated.

No one can argue with your feelings. They are your feelings and you get to choose them. "You" messages begin the "blame game." Avoid this deadly game like the plague.

Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling.

You can also change your mind about how you feel. That is also only and always your choice.

If your partner is guilty of doing things that need to be forgiven, this is the time to offer forgiveness. You may want to ask for forgiveness too. Offer this as part of your opportunity to share.

Do not make your message too complex, either by including too many unnecessary details or too many other issues. Although there is no time limit, it is not wise to drone on and on for hours. Thirty minutes to one hour is appropriate.

IMPORTANT: In closing, present a list of 10 things you love about your partner and make it part of the conversation. When you have said what you need to say, reassure your partner that you do love them and would like for both of you to continue to work together to communicate better.

Lovingly express to your partner how it felt to have them be a committed listener. You might say:

"Thank you for listening to how I feel about our relationship. It feels good to know that you care enough to hear what I have to say. Thank you. I love you."

Give them a hug and do not have any further conversation together about it that night.

Step #2 - When it's your turn to only listen:

Communication is the singular activity we all share. Expressing our needs, wants, thoughts, feelings and opinions clearly and effectively is only half of the communication process needed for interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and understanding what others communicate to us.

Empathic listening gets inside your partner's frame of reference. You begin to see the relationship the way they see it, you understand their paradigm, and you begin to understand how they feel. It is human nature to want to work with, not against, someone who understands you.

Being inattentive indicates a lack of interest in what your partner is saying and possibly the relationship. Pay attention. This you must do for this process to work.

Listening must also be intentional. When you are not intentional about listening, you only hear about half of the conversation, if that much. It would be wise to assume that one-sided conversations do not work. Intentional listening can only be effective and only occurs when you listen without expectations of what will be said and without judgment of what was said or for what reason it was said.

To be a committed, empathic, intentional and thoughtful listener is to demonstrate a high degree of respect for your partner. Good communication is not about allowing your relationship to function on autopilot; it's about being intentional about saying what needs to be said and listening thoughtfully to what is spoken.

Practice this process and not only will your communication methods be improved, but the content of your messages will get better too. You will learn to talk with - not "to" - each other more clearly and effectively.

This process does not allow you to talk when it's your partner's time to talk. You have nothing to say, nothing to fix, no denials, no justifications, no answering, no explaining, no nothing. You only listen.

No smirks that may signify belittlement or disagreement. Facial gestures and not looking into the eyes of your partner are inappropriate. If you can only say, "Hmmmm," "Say more about that," "What else?" without an attitude, then do it. Otherwise, it is much better to say nothing.

The purpose of saying nothing is to honor your partner's right to express their thoughts and feelings. Listen. Show respect.

When listening, resist the urge to formulate your own rebuttal to what your partner is saying. This will only inhibit your ability to truly hear what is being said. Pay attention. Put aside your own personal beliefs, judgments, evaluations and notions about what is being said.

It's okay to take an occasional note while your partner is talking if you need to remember to spend some time thinking about a particular point or to let them know how you feel about it when it is your turn to talk.

Identify the distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person is thinking and/or feeling from your partner's own perspective. It's called empathy.

Audioapathy - Empathic listening is a choice. Audioapathy is a word I coined to describe the condition often experienced when partners become apathetic about listening when their partner talks with them. It is a dreaded dis-ease that can poison your relationship. Although it appears that men are more affected than women, some women also get it.

Hearing is involuntary. You can be sound asleep and still hear something or someone, but listening is voluntary. It is an intellectual and emotional choice. It implies effective communication between the sender and the receiver, which hearing does not.

It is a wise partner who, when their partner is talking, puts down the evening newspaper or turns the TV off, makes eye contact and truly listens to what their partner is saying. Very wise. It may be difficult to listen to what they have to say, however, if the truth hurts - be grateful. When your partner talks, listen for the truth about what they are saying instead of going on the defensive. That only keeps you stuck.

It may take courage for your partner to express their feelings if they haven't been used to doing so. To immediately defend your own position (or to disagree or argue) invalidates your partner's feelings and usually serves to turn off future sharing possibilities. Listen for the opportunity to assist the relationship by taking responsibility for what you may be doing that trips their trigger and causes them to make a choice to feel the way they do.

Apathetic listeners breed contempt, resentment and often the person who desperately needs to be heard eventually shuts down. Don't let this happen to you!

Your own viewpoint may be different and you may not necessarily agree with your partner, but as you listen, you begin to gain a better understanding of the feelings of your partner.

The only thing you get to say comes after your partner concludes and that is:

"I listened carefully to what you said and I appreciate the opportunity to only listen. I will continue to do my best to be a better listener. Thank you. I love you."

This acknowledges that you were listening.

After you both have had some time to absorb the information your partner has presented, it will be time for you to both talk and both listen and reach some workable solutions.

When both of you have had your turn speaking, you must agree to get together to mutually discuss solutions to the issues you have together. Think about what your partner communicated to you.

Step #3 - Have a mutual, low decibel level, interactive conversation:

If you have appreciated being listened to by your partner, then the first time you both enter into a two-way conversation about your issues, it will be different than previous conversations, hopefully more on target, with an intention to work together.

No raising of voices. Be calm and collected. No "shooting or shouting matches!" It's about mutual respect.

This is also a time to ask for clarification if you did not fully understand any of your partner's comments. Do your best to reach some agreeable solutions about your top two or three issues. Do not attempt to fix all your issues in one session. You can always repeat this valubale process at another time.

When you cannot find an alternative solution that you can agree on, look for an option that is acceptable to both of you, or negotiate an agreeable compromise. Neither gets everything he/she wanted, but each gets enough to be satisfied.

Look at all options. There is never only one solution to every problem. Do your best to translate the big picture into specific actions that you can mutually agree upon. A common mistake is focusing too much on what you might lose and not enough on what you both could gain.

You will most likely need to schedule more time to talk over remaining issues as well. You also may need to schedule additional time to be listened to. I recommend that you do this process more than once to get accustomed to treating your partner with respect when they have something to say.

Two-way communication breaks down when either partner fails to communicate in return or when one partner holds on to being "right" about their position without any regard for the happiness of the relationship.

If you experience a break down during the conversation and it deteriorates because both of you become so emotionally distraught over an issue that neither of you can effectively function, declare a "time-out."

If you want to doom this process to failure, keep talking when you are angry. That doesn't work! Agree to cool off, and come back to talk the next day. It's important to decide on a time to continue.

If no resolution can be reached, perhaps it will be time to schedule a relationship coaching appointment to have a third-party assist in negotiating the situation.

• • •

When emotionally charged disagreements occur in the future, and they will, stop short of name-calling, verbal assault, blaming, etc., and take a time-out to think about what the disagreement is "really" about. Next, use this process to help you get back on track and watch your relationship go from mediocre to magical.

Old habits die hard, and a couple trying this process for this first time usually will find it an exhausting experience. Communicating requires a sustained commitment.

It takes 21 to 30 days to establish a new habit. It is a wise couple who will makes plans to take time every day to share loving conversation about their issues (and the good things too) with their partner. Having a specific time each day is another important factor that helps to assure the other that the conversation will take place. Keep your commitment. Make a promise to do so and keep it!

Remember, relationships are something that must be worked on "all the time," not only when they are broken and need to be fixed.

Also remember to mutually agree upon a signal that you can use when one partner begins to get off track, raise their voice, rehash the past, etc. This is very important. Give the "time-out" signal. Say with a gentle voice and a forced smile, "You're doing it again" and calmly walk away from the conversation.

Treat each other with kindness. Catch your partner doing something right and acknowledge them for it. Look for the good in your partner, rather than focus on what you don't like or dwell on past mistakes.

The next time you're feeling frustrated about your relationship, relax and stop trying to make everything perfect. Learn to accept the things you cannot change. Being too active about pursuing change limits your ability to enjoy those aspects of your relationship that are already good. Review the Serenity Prayer.

There is no future in the past. Once you have completed this process, bringing up old stuff over and over again only and always reopens the wound. What you think about and speak about, you bring about. Think only "good" thoughts about your partner and watch what happens.

Never criticize, condemn or complain. Avoid the "blame game." It's easy to blame your partner, however, relationship problems are shared problems. Accept responsibility for your share of the problem and communicate this to your partner.

These are great guidelines to follow and difficult at best, however, doing so will help you communicate more clearly and effectively, contribute greatly to the success of your relationship and help you move beyond the #1 problem in relationships. . . undelivered communications.

Communication is a requirement for a healthy, wholesome, happy and successful relationship. There is no other way. This process will help you create a safe, trusting place to speak openly with your partner.

Trust is the very foundation of a healthy love relationship. There can be no trust without conversation, no genuine intimacy without trust.

Romantic Jealousy is Scary!

Jealously. . . it feeds on your insecurity, devours your self-confidence, and gobbles up the trust in your relationship.

Jealousy has been defined as an emotion experienced by one who perceives that another person is giving something that she or he wants (typically attention, love, or affection) to a third party.

Jealousy is an emotion resulting from the resentfully suspicious nature of man. It is a universal emotional trauma caused by things as well as people. Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat - real or imagined - to a valued relationship or to its quality. Jealousy has a mind of its own and it is strong enough to make us believe and see things that are not even there or that have not happened yet.

Jealousy is a "complex reaction" because it involves such a wide range of emotions, thoughts and behaviors.

Believe it or not, like other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy can be a trigger for growth, increased self-awareness, and greater understanding of both your partner and your relationship.

While some couples seem to feed off of inciting a playful type of jealousy, many other relationships are laid to waste by uncontrollable and irrational fits of jealous rage.

In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. But when jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different.

Jealousy is almost always a demonstration of our own insecurities and low self-esteem. Unless an unfaithful partner has broken trust, about 90% of jealousy comes from from personal insecurity. When you are feeling unloved, be careful not to focus on your partner when the feelings are really inside you. Jealousy provides an opportunity to come to a fundamental understanding of yourself. You may be being driven by your fears.

Insecurities bring forth jealousy, which, in effect, is a cry for more love. It is within our rights to ask for more affection when self-doubts surface, however, the indirect way that jealousy asks for it is counterproductive. Excessive possessiveness is inappropriate. Jealousy is the surest way to drive away the very person we may fear losing.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it. Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

To keep yourself on the right track of jealousy conquering, just remember these steps:

Acknowledge your jealousy. Ask yourself where it is coming from and why it makes you feel jealous. I suggest asking yourself, "What do I feel insecure about? Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?"

Make self-health and lifestyle changes that will assist you in fighting it off. Combine jealousy with a more rational emotion. Have patience and practice!

As long as you keep those steps in mind and follow them, you will learn how to take control of your jealousy instead of it controlling you.

Emma Goldman once said, "All lovers do well to leave the doors of their love wide open. When love can go and come without fear of meeting a watch-dog, jealousy will rarely take root because it will soon learn that where there are no locks and keys, there is no place for suspicion and distrust, two elements upon which jealousy thrives and prospers."

Is Your Relationship Stranded at Malfunction Junction?

Having a successful relationship is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights shine up ahead, AND you can make the entire trip that way. When you see a bump in the road or have to take a detour (to avoid a major disagreement), you simply make a mutually beneficial adjustment and keep on going!

Couples need to go through the ups and downs, experience the traumas and revel in the successes of their relationship in order to grow. Commitment to complete the journey, come what may, nurtures the love needed to arrive there together.

When the relationship is strained, it is often difficult to be your own person. Sometimes you may feel that if you don't do what your partner wants you to do, he/she will be upset and become even more distant. This is where agreements are important. Agree to allow each other to make your own choices, first for yourself and then for the relationship. Remember, women usually respond most to a man's action or lack of action. Men generally respond most to a woman's attitude. So. . . now you know what you need to work on. Men - Action. Women - Attitude.

Stay on track. Do what's right. Do unto your partner what you would have them do unto you. Indulge in honoring your combined efforts. Buy your partnership a trophy from a trophy shop. Have it engraved. Present it to each other in your very own private ceremony where you renew your promise to each other to continue to work together.

Let go of having to "be right!" Healthy, full functioning couples find happiness is sharing their differences instead of being indifferent to them. They discover happiness in discussing, in a loving way, areas of mutual concern. It's true! Men and women are truly different, AND there are similarities.

Healthy couples identify problems, talk openly and honestly about their differences and choose workable solutions. Integrate your mutual intentions for a healthy, happy relationship or the relationship will evaporate.

Give each other room to grow. No one can grow in the shade. If you are always hovering over your partner, you are literally smothering the love that could be yours. Partners need time alone. They need space. Give it willingly. Take time to be alone with your thoughts. This is another way to attend to your needs.

Even though it may appear that you are from different planets because you share so little in your communication, it is possible for you to lay down your ray guns, seek peace and choose to travel in the same orbit, working together to celebrate your differences in ways that mutually benefit the relationship. Always remember: If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!

Resolving Conflict

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principles of equal partnership. Ann Landers

Conflict is inevitable. How we handle it is what makes the difference. When the structure of a love relationship breaks down, while fault may not necessarily be evenly distributed, both partners must ultimately accept equal responsibility. You are in this together.

It takes two for a healthy love relationship to work and it takes two to perpetuate an unhealthy love relationship. Seek not to place blame. What difference will that make? You both know the truth about what happened. Who cares whose fault it is?

"I do!" she screamed, "You just can't imagine what a jerk he is!"

He quickly and angrily countered with, "I wouldn't be such a jerk if you wouldn't nag at me all the time!"

Blah! Blah! Blah!

Who cares whose fault it is? If you love each other, focus on solving the problem! What happened, happened. That's all! It's not healthy to make things up about why something happened or who did what to whom. Again. . . who cares?

The goal of resolving conflict in a relationship is not victory or defeat. It is reaching a mutual understanding that benefits both love partners. Resolving conflict brings love partners closer together. It allows for negotiation and compromise.

Specific conversations, designed to "talk things out" will assist you on your path of self-discovery and they are a useful tool for resolving conflict. It brings about a higher awareness of your love partner's wants and needs.

Constructive conversations help to avoid repeating the patterns of behavior that incite the controversy that problems create in the first place. It takes two, working together to explore workable solutions that ease the tension that occurs when problems arise in a relationship.

A determination to resolve conflict by conversation offers a chance for healing and promotes the opportunity to become closer to the one you love.

Men and women are different, or have you noticed? Cherish the differences. Learn to accept and be with or accept the things you cannot change about each other.

Acceptance tills the soil that allows for individuality to grow.

When love is strong, a man and woman can make their bed on a sword's blade. When love grows weak, a bed of 60 cubits is not large enough. The Talmud

Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain

Many years ago I took the Dale Carnegie course for public speaking and my life has never been the same since. An important part of the course were the "3 C's;" Don't Criticize, Condemn or Complain.

We all do it. Some of us do it without even thinking about the consequences. It is only and always a mistake. It can undermine the trust of our partner and cause them to see us as negative, disloyal and worse. No one wants to be known as a constant complainer.

"Oh!" but you say, "I was only offering constructive criticism." I hate to pop your bubble but there is no such thing as constructive criticism. In a healthy love relationship there is absolutely no room for what some people call constructive criticism.

Perhaps this may shed some new light on the subject. Constructive means to build up. The intent of criticism is to tear down. Those two words do not fit together at all.

Criticism by its very nature is only and always destructive, not constructive. Try constructive compliments instead. We might call them expressions of love straight from the heart. Those words will be music to your partner's ears. Some might call it "ear candy!"

We feel closest to people who cause us to feel good about ourselves. Compliments given with sincerity are a genuine gift of love. Offer them often. Be generous with praise for your partner. Catch them doing something right. Let them know you noticed.

The road to prosperity in relationships is paved with a commitment to generosity toward your partner.

Perhaps all of us would be better off if we would take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

People don't change because they are criticized. They change when the relationship is nurtured with warmth and goodwill that inspires them to please their partner. Appreciation is on the list of top ten needs for most people.

Don't waste your time condemning the behavior or beliefs of your partner or constantly calling attention to their mistakes. When you do, the differences between you become more pronounced and the separation and loss of intimacy grow. Dealing with your differences is where true compatibility begins.

Those who put others down to feel better themselves often resort to other bad behavior to feel better themselves too. Never allow anyone to condemn you, ridicule your choices, or criticize whom you choose to be. Your best choice is to just walk away.

By complaining, condemning, or criticizing, you are placing the blame on other people, and not doing anything to further the goals of the relationship. Someone who constantly ridicules, criticizes, and condemns demonstrates one the seven characteristics of an abuser.

It is much better to choose your words carefully, put some love in your voice and look for a solution. First, take a close look at yourself. Is there anything that you can do to adapt or change your attitude about what it is you feel compelled to criticize? Work on the best way to prevent the mistakes from reoccurring without arousing resentment or hurting your spouse's feelings. Start there.

When your partner expresses a complaint, grievance or criticism, rather than argue the point, listen nondefensively. Rather than counter attack, search for some small part with which you can agree, and acknowledge it. If an apology is called for, offer it. Listening nondefensively can put a damper on an argument expeditiously. Now you can work on a solution together.

When you complain, you're using your power to reinforce and magnify whatever you are complaining about. For what good reason would you want to feed more energy into something you don't want?

So, to sum it up: if we criticize, condemn, condemn, show resentment, or gossip about others, it comes back on "us." If we praise, support, encourage and forgive others, it comes back on us as well.

Lonely, Depressed, or Without Friends—Explaining Why You Are Never Alone

The Situation
Many people can be lonely, depressed and feel they are without friends. Rape victims and sexual abuse survivors are very prone to such feelings. In addition, they may subconsciously feel shame and guilt. This is not a fault issue...it is a matter of learned behaviors due to other people's reactions to a person's horrific events.

Others reactions can cause you to feel less than you are. You feel inferior. In addition, an 'ingrained' perception of God, in which each of us is separate from Him, can add to this opinion. By not feeling you are equal to someone else, you have the propensity to seek acceptance from others in order to feel better about yourself. Over time a vicious cycle occurs, where you go further and further down. In the end, you can get into a rut of thinking that you are all alone.

However, you can never gain acceptance from another as long as you feel you are separate from another. Only when you feel you are equal can you no longer seek approval and acceptance.

The Actuality or the Reality?
Although you may feel you alone, the actuality may be very different from your reality. I myself used to think that I was alone, despite the fact that others told me, "You have more friends than anyone I know." My Christian background taught me that the spirit of God was everywhere. Yet, there also was a paradox, as I also understood that in order to have the spirit come into my life, then I must be 'saved.' If God is everywhere, then that means the spirit is also within each of us. Therefore, it is not necessary to be saved, as that is, by definition, an action from a source outside of you.

In addition, we are all part of a larger whole (the whole of God) because if the spirit is everywhere, then that means it is the same spirit not only within you, but also inside another person. Using a quote from a spiritual advisor named Charles Crooks that I have been working with for the last several years can help explain this concept. "We are all part of the whole, and not separate." Once you understand this image and concept completely, you can realize you have access to everything, including others. Therefore, everything, including the spirit of God is not only outside of you, but also inside you.

Furthermore, if each of us is part of the whole, then we are equal parts of that whole. Therefore, you are neither inferior nor superior to another person. There is no need to seek acceptance when you are equal to another.

Making a Realization
It was not until I realized my connection to the whole, including the spirit of God and others that I understood I could NEVER be alone. Might you likewise consider that even though you may feel that you do not have many friends that, in truth, that is not the actuality? If you choose to make this realization, your loneliness and depression may dissipate. Perhaps you can decide to see that those individuals already in your life are just icing on the scrumptious cake, cut in equal portions, that is already within you. Why not enjoy it? Furthermore, if you want more, it is there for the taking. Have another piece.

Creating Harmony In Your Life And Relationships

When you are in a state that doesn’t support a harmonious existence, things can get very unpleasant. You don't feel right, nothing makes you feel content, and you often will feel as if there is nothing right in your world. The only workable solution is to get to the heart of the matter and take the necessary steps to find balance in your world. If you don't, the other aspects of your life will suffer. Beyond the problem of other areas of your life being disturbed, everyone wants to feel at peace and harmonious. There is no amount of money or loved ones that can replace the serenity of being comfortable in your own skin. Fortunately there is an easy way to help the positive energy flow necessary to reestablish peace.

For the uninitiated, the practice of Feng Shui is an ancient philosophy that began thousands of years ago in China. Many people believe that Feng Shui is difficult to understand and put into practice. Fortunately it is neither. Feng Shui revolves around the idea that all things are energy. In order to properly use this energy to positively influence your life, it has to be put into a usable order, which were the theories and practices of Feng Shui come into play. Follow the guidelines below to use Feng Shui to create harmony in your life.

The first overriding principle of Feng Shui is to be clean and organized. Energy can't move effectively through your home or life if there are all kinds of clutter in its way. You will want to make it your first order of business to go through your entire home and clean it well from top to bottom. Don't forget about the closets and other rarely seen areas. They are important as well. You will also want to clean up any outside buildings like garages or sheds. While you are eliminating clutter from your home and life, make it a point to get rid of things you no longer use or are beyond repair. If you can repair an item, now is the time to take care of it. In Feng Shui, the belief is that useless or broken objects stand in the way of good chi and will reduce the effectiveness of the practice.

Internal harmony is made up of the results of several different relationships in our lives. They can be with our partners, our children, and ourselves. The way you use Feng Shui to create harmony will be very personalized, but there are a few things you can use for general positive energy in these relationships. For overall good harmony and energy flow in your home, consider using clear quartz and Austrian crystals. Some other crystals that are great for communication improvement include blue lace agate, turquoise, and blue topaz. Many people place these crystals throughout their home where they feel they are appropriate. You could use a chart or other Feng Shui means, but placing them where it feels right is considered to be intuitive and there is certainly nothing wrong with that.

In order to successfully use Feng Shui to create harmony, it is essential to pay attention to the elements. Each one of the elements represents every aspect of your life and world and it is necessary to use each one in order to create balance and peace. For example water represents flowing worries away and providing a sense of tranquility. The crystals that are most often associated with it are aquamarine, turquoise, and chrysocolla. You can also use aquatic animals like turtles and dolphins if you prefer. In terms of creating harmony, there isn't a more important element than earth. Earth is the element of all relationships. One good way to represent it in your home is with pairs. Pairs of turtles are a great option. It really doesn't matter what type of animal is depicted, but those that mate for life are preferable. Gemini crystals are another good choice for displaying the earth element and assisting harmony and unity within your relationships.

There is a reason why wind chimes are so popular among Feng Shui fans and just about everyone else. They represent the wind element and this one is responsible for helping the positive chi to flow naturally and constantly through your home and life. In addition to the wind chimes you could also use emeralds or citrine stones to represent wind. As far as giving a Feng Shui nod to the heavens, many people use their own religious or spiritual influence as a guiding tool. These symbols are traditional in Feng Shui to create greater harmony.

Creating a deeper sense of harmony in your life is as simple as implementing the Feng Shui principles into your home. Relatively quickly you will be rewarded with more peace and tranquility in your life and in every endeavor you undertake.

Letting go the fear out of marriage

A happy marriage is the foundation of a stable family. As the culture of divorce spreads throughout the world, some sociologists even suggest that the end of family is only a question of time. The individualism and consumerism of the West is growing and taking its toll in the Asian countries which historically have enjoyed a strong family and community system. The institution of marriage, consequently family, is threatened by prevailing wider acceptance of divorce — the cause of broken individuals, families, children and immense suffering.

A major reason for rising divorce rates today is attributed to romanticized view of love and marriage. The general individual disillusionment with marriage is particularly fuelled by the consumerist media —cinema, television and fictional romance literature —which glorifies romance and creates an unrealistic, rosy and romanticized view of love. Individuals tend to look for heroes or heroines in their married relationships rather than committing themselves to the daily grind of life and the responsibilities and duties it entails. The focus shifts on pleasure maximization in a dreamy world than on a calm and stable lifestyle and realistic viewpoint. In the absence of mature and committed approach in relationships, the notions of romantic love grow out of proportion and lead to illusory attachment, causing fear and suffering.
Exaggerated Romance

The voracious media targeting popular consumption—witness the explosion of Harlequin novels, television soap operas, movies, advise tracts, and women journals... the same ideas about love and its woes are repeated over and over again and then ad nauseam. What is more, by all accounts vast numbers of individuals hunger for reading and hearing not only about love in all its many guises, but most continue to "fall in love", passionately and with romantic abandon... more often than not, romantic love tends to lead to marriage. And if individuals decide to divorce, most are eager to recommit themselves to another exclusive relationship.

And the cycle of falling in and out of love with its inherent suffering continues in the mire of loose morality in quest of "true love". That's the common story in our modern world. The romantic love carries within it the seeds of clinging attachment. One gets attached to the idea of romantic love, and then attached to the beloved. A person objectifies the other and tries to possess and control the beloved, curbing natural freedom so essential for the flower of love to blossom. The lovers mostly end up in imprisoning each other in the romantic cage and suffocate the relationship due to fear of loss, suspicion and jealously — all the bitter fruits resulting from misplaced notions of romantic love.

Are You Scaring Away Your Chance At Love?

Several months ago we penned an article entitled, “Great Love Is Best Not Rushed.” Our principle theme was this – in the beginning of a budding love relationship, don’t get in a hurry in your quest for love and companionship. To do so will often result in a failed relationship because one of you will run away before the relationship is cemented if you feel pressured! And that would be too bad. There is no question about that.

And please understand, we know very well how important it is to rebound in a timely manner from a failed relationship. Of the thousands of couples we have interviewed over the past 27 years on Six of the world’s Seven continents, many of them were remarried after suffering through a relationship that didn’t work. And irrespective of the reason, there is a “pace” to take when building a love that lasts.

Recently, we interviewed an individual who is engaged in a new relationship after filing for a divorce from a very bad man (mental and physical abuse, child molestation, and other sinister actions).

On the surface, her story is like so many others. She finds a new guy she loves dearly, wants to marry him, and is hopeful that he will see the light and commit to spending the rest of his life with her.

To rid herself of the husband she is trying to escape (think divorce!) due to an abusive relationship – both for her and her children – is clearly understandable and defensible. However, the extent of the abuse (which is substantial) is not the purpose of this missive. Rather, the intent of this essay is to talk about her search for new love and new direction in her life.

Here’s what she reports. She loves the new man in her life. He is kind and gentle. He is a gentleman. He personifies all of the characteristics she longed for in the man of her dreams.

More importantly, she wants him to tell her he loves her, that he wants to spend his life with her, and that he considers her the center of his universe.

Here’s where it gets complicated. She loves him and he loves her. But the truth is, she is not yet divorced from the abusive man she is “officially” married to under the law. He gets scared! He wonders if he should make commitments to her given the fact that she is still “married.”

Here is the truth – new love is best not rushed! When you fall in love again, you must understand that your new lover enters the relationship with various levels of insecurity based on your OLD relationship. If your divorce is not yet finalized, he is a skeptic. Will she really love me? Am I the one she truly loves? Am I the man of her dreams? Will her divorce really become final or will I be left “holding the bag?”

The simple truth is this – love is complicated the second time around!

Consider this – two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce! It should come as no surprise that there are skeptics out there when it comes to finding love the second time around.

We know that finding love again is tough. And frankly, we know that getting the new guy to commit is not easy. He is afraid. He has, perhaps, been burned before. Moreover, he is afraid to commit his love, his sacred honor, and his undying dedication to you as long as you are married, irrespective of when the divorce is finalized.

Here is where the rubber hits the road – falling in love again is easy, but getting a commitment for the rest of your life is not. Our suggestion to you is this – never, ever, assume that your new love is willing to commit to you for the rest of your life in the absence of a bonifide divorce. One chapter in life must end before another one can begin!

Trust us when we say this – your new love is intimidated by the commitment to “marriage” before your divorce is complete. It doesn’t matter whether the impending divorce is virtually certain. What matters is that the divorce will be real! What matters is that your new love can trust that you will love him unconditionally, irrespective of the official date of your impending divorce.

People get remarried all the time. And, for the most part, and for some very good reasons, true love trumps everything. Love is the elixir of life. To love and to be in love is amongst the greatest triumphs of humanity. To spend your life on planet Earth is a great privilege. But to do your best to make great love your reason for being on Earth is, well, the principle reason humans strive to achieve the pinnacle of love.

Finding new love is a good thing. Going slow in your pursuit of a new love and a new relationship is admirable. To do less is to do a disservice to you and the one you purport to love.

In the beginning, great love is best not rushed. Finding new love requires patience. Finding new love requires you to understand that getting in a hurry in your new romance runs the risk of running away the person you truly love. Don’t take the risk.

Love is patient and love is kind. Don’t ever forget that simple notion. In the beginning of new love, don’t get in a hurry.

Simple Things Matter in love and marriage. Love well!

The Anatomy of a Narcissist

Self-absorbed. Self-centered. Selfish. Narcissist. These are a few of the terms that we normally attribute to a person with an overwhelming sense of entitlement, a belief that they are the center of the universe, and to a person who doesn’t consider how their actions affect anyone else. These individuals will not change unless they choose to. Therefore, understanding them, and knowing how to deal with them is the circle of control you have to work within. If you are on the path of attaining balance and peace in your life, understanding the narcissist is important. You will see an extreme view of selfishness that will help you understand your own nature better through comparison, and you will deal with narcissists better when you know what to expect.

Here are 4 traits that contribute to the Anatomy of a Narcissist, and hints on how to work with them in your life.

What’s Best vs What’s Best for Me
In college, I once witnessed a person that needed to go to the hospital for an emergency ask someone for a ride. The reply was short and simple. “But my favorite television show is about to begin…I can’t leave now!” This level of selfishness can only see their own needs. Everything else is subservient to what’s best for them.

Knowing this allows you to understand the conditions where a narcissist will be helpful and where you shouldn’t rely on them. If you can find the element of a situation that they would be attracted to because it’s something they want, they will happily get involved. However, if you are counting on their ability to be compassionate, you will be disappointed.

Understand that their compassion muscles are atrophied, and their selfish muscles are on steroids.

Bullet Proof Sense of Entitlement
They want “it” because they want it. What other reason could they possibly need? It won’t matter if what they want sets you back, if it hurts someone else, or even if it’s not what’s best for them long term. Once this person sets their eyes on something, they will make everyone else miserable until they get it.

When an over-inflated sense of self comes to you with a request, it’s important to know that when you say no, that they are going to be mad. They may say mean things and they may talk about you. If this happens, you must be strong enough as an individual to take it. What’s interesting is that the next time they think you can give them something they want, they’ll come back to you and act as if nothing ever happened.

Remember, in their world, it’s not about you. It’s all about them in their mind.

Their Wish Is Your Worth
Your importance in their life comes down to what they need from you, how often they need it, or how often you are willing to dedicate time to their endeavors. When they need you, there is no one more important on the planet. When they no longer need you, they could walk right past you and not say hello.

You have to be careful here. If this is someone that you “want to like you”, they will quickly sense it and take advantage of it. They’ll have you following them around like the personal assistant to a celebrity doing all sorts of things to “prove your love”. They’ll even go so far as to blame you for some past failure in an attempt to guilt you into doing yet another thing for them. However, when you understand that your worth to them comes down to what you do for them, you are better able to not take things personally when they seem to have no use for you right now.

Narcissists don’t value you for who you are. They value you for what you can do for them.

Your Feelings Don’t Exist
Narcissists can’t see things from your perspective, because only one perspective is important to them. Likewise, they will also show no consideration for your feelings. That is, unless such consideration will get you to do something for them. It’s not that they know they are hurting you and simply continue to do so. They literally don’t put any energy into thinking about your thoughts and feelings. They are oblivious to how and when they hurt you.

If you allow your feelings to be hurt by this individual, understand that they may not particularly care. Therefore, don’t rely on an apology before you allow yourself to begin to heal and let go. When they need you again, they’ll more than likely apologize then. Remember, they are trying to get you to remove any obstacles that are in the way of you helping them. So, their apology once again serves their needs. Its best to just decide not to allow their actions and lack of concern to bother you.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can hurt your feelings without you permission.” Never give a narcissist that permission.

The Game of Life - Chutes & Ladders

My youngest son Duncan, now 8 and age 3 at the time, came to me one morning and asked if I wanted to play. Being a part-time stay-at-home Dad in those days mixed with the responsibility of growing a company, I was torn like an old faded pair of jeans. The difference was that I was not comfortable with this simple request.

“Yes, I wanted to play” part of me thought. “No! You must work and grow your company” was the conflicting thought. Back and forth in my mind these two thoughts raced. In a moment as quick as the request was offered to me, I looked at my boy and said “yes, let’s play”.

“Cool Dad” he stated, “let’s play Chutes and Ladders”. “You have got to be kidding me – CHUTES and LADDERS, come on little buddy how about poker”, I thought. With a hesitant smile I was off with him to play Chutes and Ladders. He opened the box, we set up the board and put two of those extremely happy people pieces on square #1. I could not remember when I last played THIS GAME, I tried to be as happy as the people pieces looked.

We began to take turns spinning the number spinner and moving our pieces. I explained to him how to move his people piece back and forth along the rows, the goal being to climb the ladders and to avoid sliding down the slides. I pointed to the final square, THE ULTIMATE GOAL, the winning square with the blue ribbon and the gold numbers 1 – 0 – 0.

“This is the square you want to get to Duncan to WIN THE GAME” I told him. As he spun the number spinner, I showed him which direction to move. It was not long before he landed on a ladder, I gladly showed him how to climb the ladder. “Climbing the ladder Duncan moves you closer to the top” I told him. We took a few turns back and forth moving our pieces along the rows. I hit a slide and down I went thinking only about how this game may take longer than I wished it would take to finish. Work was on my mind.

As Duncan was climbing he landed on a space with a slide and as he slid down the slide he threw his hands above his head his head and hollered out a “whoooooooooo”. I looked at him puzzled, taken by his joyful response. We kept playing, taking turns moving our game pieces, climbing ladders with me repeatedly pointing out to Duncan the ULTIMATE GOAL. “Remember, you want to get to this space here with the blue ribbon and the gold numbers 1 – 0 – 0, that is the space you want to get to too WIN!”

A voice went off in my head – “WIN DUNCAN WIN! Climb the ladders of life son, you can DO IT! Climb …… WIN!”

It was then that he was close to the final square, but he landed on the space with the largest slide in the game. As he slid down the slide he again threw up his arms and bellowed out another joyous “whoooooooo”. I could not believe it, this game was going to continue, OH NOOOOOO I thought ……….. then it struck me. Duncan was having more fun sliding down the slides than he was climbing the ladders.

This game I wanted him to win so bad, this game I wanted to be over sooner rather than later, this game I turned into a life lesson of climbing to the top to WIN SON WIN! – is not what is most important. He just wanted to PLAY.

He reminded me that climbing the ladders of life is not what is most important. He reminded me to enjoy the slides of life and that the slides do come to an end. He reminded me to play, holler, laugh and enjoy. I have asked him many times since if he wanted to play Chutes and Ladders.

Maintaining Long Distance Relationships

Love for love’s sake is romantic but if you want to make it last in special circumstances such as being oceans and continents apart, then goal setting is to be kept in mind. Take it upon yourself to give a time frame and a feasible goal when you can finally be together. A couple of years may be good enough to get financially or legally settled if things go well with your employment or business at hand. If your partner cannot give one, then at least offer yours. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, it will keep your ties going and growing if you know are headed in a direction.

Corbano’s second tip is to have a regular meet-up. It may take weeks and months in between but for success in a relationship to succeed there is still an innate need to touch, feel, sense, smell and holistically feel your partner. Meeting a potential mate online through a chat room or other means still lingers on to the “eyeball” and this should be the level of excitement you should bring on your encounters.

In www.wikihow.com, the advice is to do things together even with the distance. This pertains to activities that you will be doing together while actually being apart. Those four hour phone calls or chats in the wee hours will become tiresome at some point so having some common ground you can talk and share about will be extremely helpful. Watching the same TV show or hot movie is a top option. A series would be preferable since it will last the entire season. You can also send virtual flowers and e-cards which will provide the mush needed and prove the constant wanting. Another great idea would be to actually write a letter to each other. Yes, an actual hand written letters complete with erasures is still a noble and romantic expression of devotion. Sharing recipes is another thought. Imagine cooking and eating the same meal using the available ingredients in your part of the world, it should prove quite interesting. The site actually give 75 activities than can be done, take a peek and maybe you can add the 76th.

As a final note, 2 important suggestions from www.ezinearticles.com tell to make the relationship a priority and to trust your partner. Being miles away does not stop a partner from feeling that he or she is a part of your life. Open up your relations to opinions and decisions that matter. Ask questions and heed decisions that would act on if you were actually eye-to-eye. Should you join this club or that club, what kind of diet is fashionable, what to wear to an occasion and what occasions to actually go to would be make your partner feel better if the effort was concerted.

Trust is the biggest issue in any relationship whether they be long distance or not. But this is the biggest price to be paid in an LDR. Put faith in the fidelity in your partner and the same faith will be placed upon you. Both of you should always be aware of that this is the biggest cause of failure and this should be openly discussed to save each others sanity and will actually serve as the virtual glue that will keep your two hearts together in the long run.

Ten Things to Do in February If You're Single

Valentine’s Day. Here it comes again. Last year we ran a list of things you can do if you’re single in February, and got a great response. So this year, we’re updating the list with some new ideas for how to spend this highly commercialized ‘holiday’.

Because even though you may not want to celebrate the idea of ‘romantic love,’ your life is filled with all kinds of love, if only you take the time to notice: unconditional love for your children, the soul-sister (or brother) affection for your best friend, the gratitude for all the people who make your life easier, etc. So here are some things you can do on Valentine’s Day (and all of February) to honor the loves of your life:

1. If you love sugar or glitter, treat yourself to a heart shaped box of chocolate (dark chocolate even has health benefits!) or pamper yourself with some new jewelry. You’ll most likely save money with the sales this month! (We know this one made the list last year, but how can we not mention chocolate and jewelry?)
2. Assemble all the special women in your life and have a Girl’s Night Out! Or even better, a Girl’s Night In- complete with home makeovers, cheesy movies and lots of high caloric foods (cheesecake and chocolate is a must!). Celebrate your strength and energy! (And for men, it’s perfect timing with the Superbowl, or plan ahead for March Madness!)
3. Take some time to give back. Start training for the Breast Cancer 3-Day, (http://www.the3day.org/site/PageServer raise money for Haiti (http://www.redcross.org/ or do something closer to home with a visit to a nursing home or animal shelter. Let compassion rule your heart.
4. Tell your best friends and family what you need. They may think you’re ‘over the breakup”, and may not understand how certain triggers can buy you a ticket for the emotional roller coaster. Ask them for help.
5. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes up. Cry. Pout. Bemoan your lack of candlelit dinner or couples’ massage. But only for a short time. Let yourself wallow for an hour and then let it go. Life can be painful and difficult, but it also has joy and light. Don’t let this momentary situation define who you are.
6. Express your gratitude. Make a list every day of the things you are grateful for and type each list into Wordle.net. At the end of the month, you’ll have created a beautiful illustration of the most important things in your life. Print it out and frame it as a reminder.
7. Maybe this is the year you join an online dating service. Take the plunge and sign up. If you don’t think you’re ready, make a list of what’s in your way. Then start tackling some of those obstacles (and plan to join us for our next Dare to Date…Again on June 5) so you will be ready and dating by next Valentine’s Day.
8. Flirt. This is as simple as smiling and looking directly into someone’s eyes. Experiment on the baronista who makes your morning latte (the guys at my local Starbucks are incredible flirts!). Brush off those skills that may be long forgotten and practice for when you do meet someone you like and want to attract.
9. Manifest your mate. Create a vision board of what you’re looking for in a lover, partner or ‘someone you could spend time with’ (whatever term you are comfortable with). Then create a visual of who that person will be, and more importantly, how you will feel with that person. Use it as a guide to attract that person into your life.
10. Shake off the temptation to self-pity, and be your own valentine! Go see a movie, sing cheesy love songs to yourself and buy yourself a gift. Lavish yourself in all your desires- you deserve it!

Rape and Revictimization

I’m struggling. I’m questioning the degree of consciousness that I so often hear claimed. I’m questioning commitments to sexual healing, safer sex. I’m struggling because I believe that what needs to be healed must first be brought to the light. I’m struggling because I see darkness shrouding the secrets of rape, and yet the darkness is not our enemy – refusal to peer into it is. And I’m wondering how many elephants can fit into one living room.

Rape is deplorable and unconscionable. And so is victimizing the victim. I shudder when I hear a news report of a woman being stoned because she was raped. Those things only happen in other countries, far away, in places that are less civilized than ours.

The dark truth is – We stone in this country too. We do it in ways that we judge are civilized and just. We do it covertly, sometimes under the guise of support – helping the victim to see (our) reason. And we do it so that no feathers get ruffled, we do it to minimize the sensationalism, we do it to minimize community division and maintain loyalties, we do it to protect reputations. And sometimes we even label our actions “for the greater good” though the motive, whether conscious or unconscious, may be self-protection or self-promotion. For the rape victim, these are all experienced as stones, every one.

The focus must always be on the victim. No one else’s agenda should enter the picture. For a victim of rape, the road to recovery is uphill and arduous and can be greatly affected by the words and actions of others.

A prime aspect of rape is that control was taken away, control over body and life. Support includes allowing a victim to regain control of their life – in their time frame, their agenda, for their good, no one else’s.

“It is essential that [the victim] know they are believed, and that they be allowed to begin to rebuild their life at their own pace. The dominant feature of sexual abuse is that it is forced on a person against their will, and it is an act of violence and violation regardless of how much visible “violence” is used; it takes away a person’s control, and so it is vital that someone who has been through this be in control of their journey to recovery. People who have been raped need to rebuilt feelings of safety, trust, control and self-worth…” (excerpted from HealthyPlace.com)

If there is a rape victim in your midst, please consider this:

1) Just listen, don’t judge, don’t try to fix. Be present with an open heart, give empathy if you are able.

2) Don’t criticize the victim’s behavior – Why didn’t you fight? Why were you there anyway? You should have known. You gave mixed signals. Why didn’t you say something after it happened? And, one of the most harmful comments, “You are promiscuous anyway.”

Rape victims are never responsible for the rape, no matter what, regardless of circumstances, and even arousal does not constitute consent.

3) Don’t excuse the actions of the rapist. Healing is needed here too, in a safe setting, with professionalism, and excusing the behavior only impedes the healing process.

4) Victims should never be pressured into in-person meetings with their perpetrator, for any reason. Apart from the potential for re­traumatization, the victim may experience another instance of violating their right to have control over their life and make their own decisions.

5) Clearly, rape and its effects should never be minimized, no matter the circumstances. During the recovery process, denial, shame, numbness, and humiliation are common and may cloak the degree of pain and the cloud the extent of the harm.